urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daitouryou daitouryou daitouryou 2005-03-28T18:44:04Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:daitouryou:401 2005-03-28T18:44:04Z 2005-03-28T18:44:04Z Title: Between Here and There<br />Author: daitouryou<br />Warnings: R for some language.<br />Spoilers: Through Episode 51.<br />Genre: Comedy/Parody<br />Author’s Note: Firstly, let me apologize in advance. This was brought on by watching a night of Adult Swim, and discovering the oh-so-special “comedy” show from ADV. Think of this as a weak satire of both that and Alchemist =P. Thanks for your time, it’s the first fanfic I’ve attempted to write, so I’m interested to hear your criticism. I appreciate it!<br /><br /><a name="cutid1"></a> <br />His brother’s corpse, blank eyes still open, lay in a pool of blood. Al was seconds away from trying to bind Ed’s soul to his body, just as he had done for Al all those years ago. Envy lunged at him as the world began to glow the purest white.<br /> <br />When Al came to, it was already past noon. As his vision cleared, a bit slowly, he worried, and he sees that he is on a platform, covered in grass with a house on it, suspended in the air. It wasn’t the height that startled him, but the surroundings. He is in a city, that was clear, but the buildings are taller and made of metals that neither he nor his brother had ever seen. They seemed twisted and off-balance, how could they stand? He looks over to ask Ed, but there was no one around. <br /><br />“Brother?” <br /><br />Al tried to get up, but can’t quite move his legs. Because he doesn’t have any. The legs of the armor had been replaced with small wheels, and his arms felt shorter. The helmet and body of the armor were one cylindrical piece of metal. He struggles and whimpers, stuck rolling in the grass. Sighing, defeated, he begins to call for help. His cries are answered by a familiar voice, but the speech was slowed down, almost slurring.<br /><br />“Al, is that you? What are you doing rolling around in the grass?”<br />“Brother! Thank God you’re oka—“<br /><br />Ed walked into his line of vision and Al was at a loss for words. This couldn’t be Ed. He was shorter than usual, somehow. His red jacket was far too long and collected in a pool on the ground around him, and his hands were lost in the impractically long sleeves. He wore a hood over his head, but Al could see his face, and there was a bit of drool collecting in the side of his mouth.<br /><br />“A…are you really my brother?”<br /><br />Ed furrows his brow and leans in to Al.<br /><br />“YOU DUMBASS! Who the hell do you think I am, huh? Sometimes you can be so stupid it’s scary.”<br /><br />The outburst stunned Al, and did nothing but whimper a weak “Ohh.” Ed responded with a sharp kick, enough to get Al up on his wheels. <br /><br />“Just get inside, scrap metal, it’s almost time!”<br /><br />He found that moving around was difficult, and the hurt and confusion didn’t help<br /><br />“Time for what? Brother? Brother…?”<br /><br />The two entered the house; its interior was just as creepy as the city. The walls, floor, and ceiling was bright and tacky. There was a huge, soft armchair that Ed promptly plopped into. Next to it is some bizarre telephone, with a sort of window attached to it. Al stared at it, and it began to shake and let out a ghastly laugh. Al screamed and jumped, though he wasn’t sure quite how.<br /><br />Ed, who was used to the creepy ring tone, reached for the phone. “Right on schedule.” He picked up the receiver and cleared his throat. “Hello! This is the Furinkan High School Akane Tendou Fan club.” <br /><br />Time stopped. Al stared blankly at his brother, who seemed to have frozen entirely, except for his drool.<br /><br />“Just kidding.” Said Ed, matter-of-factly.<br /><br />“Ah. Yes. Hello, Ed-chan. It is I, your Colonel!” Roy Mustang! Al gasped, he was here too? Al leaned closer to hear the conversation. <br /><br />“Ed-chan, our fair city of Central has been overtaken by bra-burning feminists, who throw all rules of societal roles aside for the sake of their own self-esteem!” Mustang is in a fervor, and a small swarm of flies buzzing about him.<br /><br />“Oh noo. Anarchy?” said Edward, deadpan.<br /><br />“Yes! Anarchy is upon us, and must be smote!” agreed the Colonel, snapping for emphasis. The friction caused a small spark to land on a pile of official looking documents and smolder. “And the only way to stop these vile anarchists is to maintain order. Yes! For that is the purpose of government! Order!” Roy smirks, “You know Ed-chan, I bet I could order you some growth-inducing ‘natural supplements.’ You’ll be taller and buffer than Armstrong and McGuire put together! Won’t that be a sight to see?”<br /><br />Al saw his brother’s temper flare and quickly hid behind the recliner. Ed screamed into the receiver at full force.<br /><br />“YOU DUMBASS! Who are you calling so tiny that you think a nuclear family of dysfunctional ants could step on him? And the connection between what you were saying and that joke was contrived at best! Besides, steroids have the side effects that would make some good lovin’ a hellish experience! Not that you know anything about that, Colonel.”<br /><br />Mustang and Al gasped. “Brother, how could you say something so crude, that’s—“ Al was cut off as Ed leaned back in the recliner, the chair smacking Al in the face and knocking him to the ground. He rolled around wildly, unable to get up again. Tears welled up in his eyes, and he began to bawl. “Y…you’re so mean brother…Why are you so abusive all of the sudden?”<br /><br />Ed didn’t answer; he was paying attention to the Colonel’s much more entertaining reaction.<br /><br />“WHAAAT?! Colonel is both offended and shocked at your completely untrue insinuations!” Mustang’s face was crimson, a mix of embarrassment and anger, and steam was pouring out from his ears. It complemented the smoke filling the room from the burning papers quite nicely.<br /><br />“I’ll have you know the Colonel has relations often, and not just with interns anymore! No! The women say to me, ‘Oh Colonel, your hot body and style are certainly a turn on!’ And I have to beat off the ugly ones with a stick, because they all want some of this!”<br /><br />Ed rolled his eyes. “Whatever, Colonel. Didn’t you have orders for me?”<br /><br />Roy caught himself and snapped back into his calm demeanor as the fire spread, melting the name plate on his desk, and setting a few of the flies ablaze. <br /><br />“Ahem. Yes. Orders. To end anarchy and bring peace to the state, you are to get every woman in the military to wear skimpy miniskirts, ones that crush their smug sense of self worth so that I can reenact scenes from Kite at my own discretion! Now get out there and do something about it! Oh…oh god...my office! The flames are everywhere! IT BURNS, WHY DO I WEAR EVEN THESE GL-” <br /><br />The phone is disconnected. Ed and Al pause until it returns to a dial tone.<br />.<br />Ed salutes, a slightly delayed reaction. “Roger that! Rooooger!” He hangs up the phone and breathes a sigh of relief. “Hey, Al, why are you lying around like that? We have work to do!”<br /><br />There’s a banging on the door, as a deep, serious, lisping voice yells to the brothers. “Elric brothers! I know you’re in there!”<br /><br />Al panics and flails his arms, still rolling on the floor. “Brother! It’s Mr. Scar! He’s alive! And he’s come to kill us! What do we do?!”<br /><br />Scar beats on the door, “State Alchemist dog, let me in and PAY YOUR RENT!”<br /><br />“…pay our rent?” Asks Al, rather perplexed. “I thought he was trying to snuff you because you’re with the state.”<br /><br />Ed shrugged, “He got this shitty landlord job once he was replaced as main nifty villain by our long lost older half brother, back from the dead.” Al rolls over to a side window and looks out at Scar. He’s still wearing his out of date sunglasses and roguish cowboy jacket, hair soaked in more product than the cast of Queer Eye put together. “Poor Mr. Scar…and a speech impediment on top of it all.” <br /><br />“Don’t worry, Al. I’ll take care of this! He won’t get one red cent out of me.” Edward picks up an ornate lamp on the table and puts it on his head, it’s just enough so that Scar can see its outline through the window on the door. <br /><br />Edward clears his throat and says commandingly, in his best Apu impression, “It is I, my son, Ishbala, your God!” Edward shakes the lamp furiously. Scar gets on his knees and bows. “My Lord Ishbala, I am your humble servant.”<br /><br />Ed smirks and goes all out. “Don’t give me that ‘humble servant’ crap, you sinner! I know all about those naughty things you do with your right hand!”<br /><br />“But, Ishbala, I only meant to serve you! I’m different than those sinners I punished; I always stop just before I…”<br /><br />“Don’t interrupt me, infidel! Whether you stop before the last part isn’t important, I said not to do those things with your hand and you did it anyway! Again and again and again! In public, right on the streets! What would your late brother say? Now get the hell out of here before I come out there and give you what for!” Scar drops his sunglasses and runs off, crying to his brother and pleading for forgiveness.<br /><br />Ed puts down the lamp and breathes a sigh of relief. “Saved by the Ishbalan’s god-fearing.”<br /><br />Al frowns, deciding to stand up to his brother. “Mr. Scar isn’t that bad, brother. I think you’re being too hard on him”<br /><br />“Shut up, scrap metal! I should just…hey…I’ve got an idea!” Ed smiles fiendishly and slowly starts towards Al. He is terrified and runs back up against a wall. <br /><br />“Brother, what are you doing?”<br /><br />“Well, I think, as the Fullmetal Alchemist, I’m expected to put my special spin on my assignments to help the public, right?”<br /><br />“Right…”<br /><br />“So what better way to produce miniskirts than by making them out of say, blue iron? That’s pretty stylish. I like it!”<br /><br />“I guess the Colonel wouldn’t mind that, brother, but, what do I have to do with it?”<br /><br />“YOU DUMBASS! You’re made out of blue iron! I can just transmute you into a fashion line and distribute them, and then I’ll be done with my work!”<br /><br />“Brother, you wouldn’t!”<br /><br />Ed wipes away another line of drool and claps, then pushing against Al’s left arm. It explodes into a pile of sophisticated, yet whimsical, blue cast iron miniskirts. Al screams and cries out.<br /><br />“Brother, if you keep this up, you’ll destroy my blood seal! I’ll die!”<br /><br />“Oh, that’s right!” Ed stops and smiles at Al genuinely, perhaps apologetically. Al is still shaking with fear, but maybe his brother will stop, now that knows this will hurt him?<br /><br />No such luck. “How wonderful! Al, thanks for the idea!”<br /><br />Al was beyond heartbroken. What seemed to be one of Edward’s angst driven bad moods had him at death’s door. As his brother put his hands on Al, the world, once again, faded into white. As the light engulfed everything, Al felt disoriented. Who were those people just then? What was he doing beforehand? He felt like something important had happened, but he shrugged it off. The most important thing was to revive their mother with his big brother, now that their training had finished. Wasn’t it?<br /><br />--End. Let’s go eat sushi, or something.